ficlet in progress

[madamemoiselle]

It burns. It's like something is eating away at her from the inside, and the feeling makes her convulse as if she's trying to escape from her own skin. Her back arches to an unnatural angle, and there's a feeling of it moving. She whimpers, because as it comes back, her throat burns all over again, the same as when it had gone down.

She had been silent, but when she vomits the sulfuric acid that the he had made her drink, she screams as it burns away the skin on her face and her insides at the same time.

It's an old memory, but not one easily forgotten. Her toes curl, and she retches, only producing a small amount of thick, red bile. Every time she vomits, she relives all the pain that's etched into her memory. It feels like her skin is on fire and that something is eating right through her stomach, but that's just the memory. The reality is that she drank too much last night.

Diva grips the seat of the toilet, using it as a brace to move herself. Of things to take away from her, the last one that she had expected the gods of Asgard to take was her tolerance to alcohol. And how was she supposed to know about that, anyways? She massages her brow, since she's feeling somewhat better after emptying her stomach completely.

Though, she's not really feeling better enough to move. The threat of being sick is still there, so she just lays on the tile floor in her bathroom. She thinks, distantly, that the coolness of it is comforting against the burning, but mostly she thinks that the ceilings are too white. It hurts her eyes to look at. Everything kind of hurts to look at, actually.

Diva groans as she sets her arm over her eyes. Having the light blocked at least lets her think a bit more clearly. Because, really, what had happened last night?

She remembered being called by Kaz so that he could share that wonderful new trick with her. They had talked about her and Euri (she groaned again to remember that she had admitted her jealousy), then gone to the bar. That's where it got fuzzy. The one glass she had started with had quickly turned into most of the bottle. Maybe the whole bottle? She couldn't remember.

There was something important there. They had talked about something important, she knew it. But what it was...

"Johan."

She murmurs his name softly, and it has such a strange effect. It calms her. That feeling makes her laugh, because it's so ridiculous. How could just saying his name do that? It's so stupid of her.

It was definitely about Johan, but what could she have told Kaz? That she knew Johan? That she cared about him? Her face heats up, because, no, she wouldn't be trying so hard to remember it if it had been something that simple. She had to have told him, and the very idea makes her chest tighten.

Because, really, it was frightening. It filled her with so much uncertainty that she could care for someone so much. Using that word was what she had wanted, more than anything, but she was still so reluctant to use it. It couldn't be that she was in love.

But she was.

There was no thinking that she was in love with him. Even if it was an expression that no one could understand, the moment that she had held his face and threatened to kill him, she knew. Diva had wondered if he had thought about what she said, what he had focused on. What each of them thought was important was definitely different, but she had been honest. She was completely his to use as he wanted. She had given herself to him, because that was her love. She wanted to possess him, because if she didn't, she would lose him.

The thought bothers her, and she sits up. The movement almost makes her sick again, but she manages to push it away. Because she does remember. It wasn't really Johan. It was Kaz. There had been that moment, where she thought Kaz had been the one to hurt Johan, and she had immediately thought about how she could kill him, how he would pay for doing that.

It didn't make sense.

It didn't make sense because Kaz should have been the one that she had feelings for. He understood her like Johan couldn't, just by virtue of not being human, of even having some similar things have happened to him. Kaz knew what it was like to be something that wasn't human and something hated. Being with him made her happy, but it wasn't anything like Johan.

"It's because I don't love him, right?"

Her toes curl again, but she's not sure whether it's from saying that word or the movement catching up with her. She feels the burning again and is back at the toilet.

She was never going drinking with Kaz again.